I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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