Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
