The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
