are you so shy because you have an std?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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