If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
