i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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