Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
