you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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