oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
PANTIES FOUND
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
