u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Text me some of your sweat
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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