and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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