i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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