cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
