I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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