I'm eating all of the evidence.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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