mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
