just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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