I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I want her autograph on my taint
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
