I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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