it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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