the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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