drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you will always have a special place in my vag
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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