Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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