i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
