Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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