So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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