ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize