So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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