how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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