dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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