found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
