You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
