I heard we made out
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
