I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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