I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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