How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
