my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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