I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
