the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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