You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize