I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
