Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
