the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
