JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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