Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm getting married
To pizza
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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