And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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