god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
