I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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