The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize