my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
