please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
