So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I didn't shave. On purpose
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
