i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
