no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize