My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
