dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize