also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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