I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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