I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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