So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
