someone owes me an orgasm
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
