What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
