in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
