vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
