I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize