New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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