I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
