Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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