It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
